Posted by: artemis on Aug 05, 2010
Tagged in: Beehive Blog
By Jason Adams, MyNewPlaidPants
Attention movie fans! I have seen Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and I have declared Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World to be wonderful. It doesn’t open until next weekend, on August 13th, but you should go ahead and buy your tickets now. You can thank me with flowers and chocolates and filthy wads of one hundred dollar bills once you’ve seen it, loved it, lived it yourselves.
Coming at us this weekend in three spectacular dimensions is Step Up 3D, which promises to fling an eye-bugging assortment of body parts – elbows, kneecaps, possibly pony-tails – out from the screen in an explanation of technology itself. Why do we build things? Step Up 3D is why we build things. All of human invention has led to this moment, where our potential’s been fully realized. Ushers should pass out instruments with which to gouge out our eyes once the film is finished, since this will never in our lifetimes be beaten.
Living in the shadow of Step Up 3D’s many bewildering accomplishments is Middle Men, the flick where Luke Wilson invents Internet porn, and The Other Guys, where Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg play mediocre cops on some sort of violent yet comical rampage. I think they should combine these two movies, call it The Other Middle Guys, and just have everyone shoot each other for an hour and a half until Samuel L. Jackson is the obvious last man standing. Doesn’t that sound so much more memorable already? Why doesn’t Hollywood return my calls?
Did you know that there’s a movie directed by the director of This Is Spinal Tap and The Princess Bride and When Harry Met Sally and Misery and A Few Good Men opening this weekend? Yeah, me neither. Rob “Meathead” Reiner’s stock has really fallen is the wake of The Bucket List. Flipped is based on Wendelin Van Draanen's apparently popular teen romance novel and boasts an array of Where Are They Now luminaries like Aidan Quinn, Rebecca DeMornay and Penelope Ann Miller. Did somebody turn the clock back to 1990 and not tell me? Should I bust out my jams from the bottom of the closet?
Last weekend’s box office got topped by Inception for the third straight week, which should be encouraging – a smart, adult Summer blockbuster! – if I could just convince myself that it’s either smart or adult. But hey, it did come out in Summer, so it’s got that. Dinner For Schmucks glided into second place on the fleet of goodwill attached to the names Paul Rudd and Steve Carell. Did wacky Zach Galifianakis have anything to do with it too? Were Hangover fans upset to find him in so little of the movie while the ads played him up so prominently? Although I feel like Hangover fans are just always angry anyway, so who could tell.
So did you guys watch the trailer for Burlesque? Aguilera! Cher! Cumming! Pink glitter! Nipple clamps! Rabbits pulling magicians out of hats! Japanese schoolgirls fellating bazookas! Horse orgies! I think I might’ve blacked out in the middle of it actually, right around the part with the embarrassing dialogue set in an obnoxious color scheme. Yeah and you figure out where that precise moment was and you win an all expenses paid trip to the Pussycats Dolls private rehab facilities and resort.
For more of Jason's nonsense, check out his blog: MyNewPlaidPants!
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