By Ron Bush, Beehive blogger

Ladies and Gents it is that time of the week when I award Celebrity Beehive's Ghetto Awards. As you may recall last week Lindsay Lohan was given a runner up prize with the understanding that she would easily win this week due to some unforeseen slip up. What can I say, the media cold sore didn't disappoint. We all knew she wouldn't comply to alcohol classes, and we all knew she'd have lame excuses, but to say that your FATHER stole your passport while partying all night during the Cannes Film Festival is ridiculous! Clearly, she needs to bone up on excuses from the book of Jerry Springer. It's in the bible right after Leviticus. She acts like camera phones, the internet and people who know her entire frekkin story doesn't exist.  At this point, one more scandal and she'll be ready to run for the US Senate! That said, I was excited and ready to issue her a warrant...excuse me, an award. 

But it seems ole Lindsay can't win for losing because low and behold, The Kardashian ehhhemm 'women' appeared on Nightline Monday night and talked with Cynthia McFadden about plastic surgery, posing for Playboy and the seven-figure vibrator endorsement they turned down.  Yes, that is direct from ABC.  Excuse me Nightline programming director, have you no pride? If you are known by people you've never met because you are a person who appears on a reality TV show, you are NOT a celebrity. You are for the most part  known for proudly doing things a shameless dog wouldn't do.  Hey Kardashian trailer trash train wrecks -- you're 15 minutes of fame is about up. Anytime you try to one up the female Sasquatch, that being Courtney Love, you know you're done. Just because I don't instantly vomit when I think of you like I do with Courtney (bleccch - sorry, reflex action) doesn't mean that I want to hear about how shallow and superficial you are.  We don't care about your clear social anxiety and self hate.  Really??  Why are you on a reality show and seek out paparazzi like moths to a flame? The gem topic was that you turned down a seven figure dildo endorsement.  Clearly TMI! Let me guess, it was beneath you? Better yet, you didn't like the script? Let's face it, your next gig will be groupie to some weed addled rap artist who'll title a song about you called "Dumb Hoes On Da Flo".  

And yes, I was briefly comforted knowing that Lindsay would make runner up again because she's a sloppy idiot and the trashy Kardashian ensemble would win the first group award!  But then some Ghetto shit from across the pond just stole the day. I am of course talking about ex-royal, Duchess Fergie's bribery scandal.  Yes, let's recap.  First, although Fergie is descended from a long line of British aristocracy, she is basically a penniless hood rat.  Before she married Prince Andrew, Fergie was living in a seedy 30 pound a week boarding house and was being partially supported by her mom.  Fast forward 25 years later, she's still broke, but is styled The Duchess of York, and is baby mama to HRHs, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, fifth and sixth in line to the British Throne respectively!  

What's so bad about that, right?  Well, last week Fergie was filmed accepting a bribe from a journalist pretending to be an Indian businessman wanting access to her ex, Prince Andrew, Britain's Trade Representative.  News of the World ran a front-page headline: “Fergie ’sells’ Andy for 500K.” That's $724,000!  And now that she's been busted she is "devastated" about it. Yeah, so would I if I lost out on $724k.  Fergie, ghetto is ghetto and let's face it, did you really think Prince Andrew would take anyone you referred to him seriously? And do you think anyone in the UK would seriously think they could win some sort of favor with the Royals by paying your broke ass $724k? I mean think about it.  Prince Andrew tolerates you, but the rest of the Royals hate you!  That's why you commute back and forth to the US, remember?  It's like expecting Oxford to accept a request from Amy Winehouse to be the 2010 graduation commencement speaker. 

The only thing left for you to do is throw some daisy dukes on that fat ass and shake your junk on the hood of a Chevy Impala.  But you sealed the deal when you said you would do everything you can to make things right. Really? And how will you do that, by selling soiled royal underwear you've saved just in case of emergencies a la Monica Lewinsky? I have an idea, how about you know...get a real job, live within your means, stop trying to get freebies and stop trying to live off the reputations and coat tails of others.  Because that is Ghetto. Which makes me proud to give The Duchess of York, Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson, this week's Celebrity Beehive Ghetto Award. And no, it's not worth a damn so you can't even sell it to a pawn shop. 

If you think I missed somebody let me know!  Back next week!

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