By Jason Adams, MyNewPlaidPants

Are you ready to fall in love again? How about again, and again, and again? Just in time for the one day of the year where you can force your significant other to go see a movie they would never ever see in a million years otherwise, here's The Vow, the new emotional weepie from the Nicholas Sparks Factory. It stars Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams as a married couple whose lives fall apart when she loses her memory and forgets Channing's hot ass completely. How anybody could forget that hot ass I will never work out. Anyway this movie totally has to end with either A) Rachel gets re-bonked on the head and all her memories come back, hooray!, or B) She learns to love him without the old memories, but then Channing gets hit on the head and whoops, forgets her! Please please please let it be the second one. I would so see that movie ten times.

Am I supposed to read the title Journey 2: The Mysterious Island as "Journey To The Mysterious Island," and if so, why does Hollywood hate the English language so much? In this sequel to a movie someone must have seen in order to justify a sequel, The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson - what is he going by now? - heads off to play with some little children again, restraining orders be damned. The kids are played by Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Hutcherson, who have done some developing since the last time around. Once they get to this strange, some might say mysterious, island, they ride on giant bees in a flagrant affront to the memory of Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Rick Moranis is not happy!

Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington team up with Safe House, a thriller about CIA agents on the run in South Africa and good god I am so bored by describing this movie I have already fallen asleep. Even just the title bores me. If the house is so safe, then why are they on the run? Hrm, movie? You don't have an answer for that, do you? Anyway it co-stars Vera Farmiga and Robert Patrick, who will hopefully morph into a black-and-white checkered floor at some point just to liven things up. Maybe the floor of the so-called "safe house"? Stay tuned!

In limited release, Woody Harrelson's Oscar-bid non-starter Rampart is now out - from the director who got him an Oscar nomination for The Messenger last year, this one stars Woody as a cop with a Bad Attitude surrounded by lots and lots of ladies who have to deal with his Bad Attitude. Said ladies are played by Sigourney Weaver and Anne Heche and Cynthia Nixon and the wonderful Brie Larson from The United States of Tara, amongst others. The Messenger's Ben Foster's also hanging around here too, probably also dealing with Woody's Bad Attitude, but unfortunately from what I can tell not in a sexual way. They're saving that for the third film in the series.

And finally, George Lucas needs a new golden-threaded pouch to keep his double-decker chin-waddle warm, so he's tossed out Star Wars Episode One The Phantom Menace into theaters in grand ol' converted 3D. Only go to this if you feel like laughing at all the nerds that didn't have anybody to see The Vow with. Or if you're dying to have Jar Jar Binks flesh-dreads pop out at your face, in which case... no, do not want that. That is not healthy.

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