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Technogenics

Jan 25
2013

Movie Buzz: Over The River and Thru The Witch

Posted by: artemis

Tagged in: Beehive Blog

By Jason Adams, MyNewPlaidPants

Because every fairy tale must now include ass-kicking and machine guns, it was inevitable we’d make it to those indomitable German kinder Hansel and Gretel and their battle against a witch of the wicked sort and turn it into a CG-splosion – and here we are. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters stars Jeremy Renner and Bond girl Gemma Aterton as the siblings all growed up and turned into Wiccan-baiting leather-queens. Once upon a time I thought this seemed like a fun idea; then I saw the sub-Van-Helsing trailers (and took note of the January dumping ground release date) and I thought better. But it is from the director of the Nazi Zombies romp Dead Snow, which had its moments, so I’ll probably catch this on video some day. If only for the always awesome Famke Janssen, who is always ready to vamp in even the dreckiest of dreck.

I feel like I’ve described the plots of Jason Statham movies one too many times. (Twice is one too many times.) They go like this – Jason Statham shoots things and wears a suit, or less, the end. Parker has Jennifer Lopez in it, so maybe there’s a dance scene.

I have no idea what the significance of the “43” is in Movie 43. I thought there were 43 different directors making 43 different short films that were jammed together to make a movie but it turns out there are only 12 different directors making 12 different segments. The directors range from Peter Farrelly and Bob Odenkirk to… Elizabeth Banks? Okay. Maybe there are 43 actors in it – the list is insane. Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Anna Faris, Emma Stone, Gerard Butler, Uma Thurman, and on and on. I imagine like with most of these things there will be good segments and terrible segments and mostly in between.

It’s been playing on demand for several weeks already but if you’ve held out to see an evil spirit take form through sausages on the big screen you are in luck – John Dies at the End, an adaptation of David Wong (real name: Jason Pargin)’s incredibly amusing book from the director of Phantasm, is now out in theaters. I loved the book but I did not like the movie – some things just work better on the page than they end up working on the screen. It’s a hard tone to nail, this one.

I don’t know how Werner Herzog always manages to surprise me with his movies but even though he’s one of my favorite people on the planet I almost never know what he’s up to until days before he has a new movie being released. And so it goes with his new documentary called Happy People: A Year in the Taiga, which I just heard about for the very first time exactly twelve hours or so ago. It’s about an isolated tribe of families in Siberia whose lives haven’t changed in over a century; no doubt Herzog will find some way to make this situation deeply relatable to those of us reading about it on our iPads.

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Which celebrity couple SERIOUSLY needs to divorce?

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries - 37.5%
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher - 37.5%
Kris and Bruce Jenner - 12.5%
Bethanny Frankel and Jason Hoppy - 0%
Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross - 0%
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver - 12.5%
The voting for this poll has ended on: 16 Mar 2013 - 01:00
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