Sep 28

"My (Imaginary) Luncheon With All The Real Housewives!"

Posted by: Burton

Tagged in: Beehive Blog

Welcome back Housewives fans!  
This is the third installment in our series of imaginary events with all of the Real Housewives!   In this event, I host a luncheon welcoming the new Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!
Please be sure to read "The Last Supper of the Real Housewives" and "Dessert with the Real Housewives" first for the full housewives experience! 
So here we go - hope you all enjoy it!
Thank you ladies for joining me again for this wonderful luncheon.  Now I know our Last Supper and Dessert events didn't go over so well so I'm hoping we can all act respectfully towards one another this time.  Now to start.......I'm sorry.  What's that Ramona?  Oh Simon is here, yes. I know he's not a housewife but he really just enjoys these events so let's all be welcoming, OK?  He is not gay! For God's sakes, let it go!

To start I want to give a big welcome to our newest housewives, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!  Thank you so much lades for joining the Bravo family and I........Oh no, here we go already.  Please Teresa don't be rude.  They are smiling and saying hello.  They are, I promise. It's just that their Botox only allows them very limited facial movement so it's difficult to always know what they're thinking.  What?  Botox. Bo - tox.  If you had a forehead, you would know what it is.  

Oh Danielle stop laughing.  You too Gretchen. I swear you've got to be on something. Life cannot be that hilariously funny all of the time.

Oh hello Cat. What? Oh you want to whisper something to me. A bit rude but OK. Oh...hmmm....hmmm....what?!  Oh my God that is so rude and not to mention racist!  Oh yes you are a racist.  Oh yes, you are.  Don't whisper to me again.  Ugh. Fine what now? Oh....hmmmm.....hmmmmmm.......Oh my God!  Again with the racial slurs!  Enough!  Go back to England you rude bitch!  Oh, excuse me.  I lost my cool for a moment there.....

Oh my God, Danielle!  Is that a stripper pole?  How did you get that in here? You're the new spokesperson for the Portable Stripper Pole 2000?  Oh now I've heard of everything.  I know Simon, I agree, we do not need to see her lady-bits.  This is a luncheon, ladies, not a strip club. 

Oh for God's sakes Kim G if we don't want to her lady bits we certainly don't want to see yours!  Oh yes, Teresa, you're right, we should respect the elderly.  Um, Kim G, can you please remove your old and haggard lady-bits from from our sight.  Thank you.

Nene please stop staring at the Beverly Hills housewives.  They must feel uncomfortable enough being new to the group.  What's that?  What do you mean you can't tell them apart? Oh, well that one is Kim and that one is, oh wait no, that one is Kim and that one......oh my God you're right.  It's like they've been molded out of plastic to be the same person.  It's like something.....out of a science fiction movie.....they're like clones....I'm so confused...........

What?!  Oh sorry Michaele, no I'm paying attention to all of you I just got a bit lost in thought. What's wrong now? Aaahhhh!  My eyes!  Please don't make me look at that!  I'm sure your Playboy spread is just as um, lovely, as Kelly's. Oh Kelly, don't get upset!  Yours is lovely too. Here have some gummy bears.  Oh and yes, Gretchen your nudy pictures were nice too.  And your sex tape was fabulous, Danielle, just spectacular.  Oh and yes you too Camille, your pictures were always lovely. What a bunch of sluts, dear Lord! 

Yes, Teresa, what is it?  I'm sorry I can't understand you.  Is the dinner what?  Compitnetiary? Compisentiary?  Oh complimetary! You're asking if the dinner is free?  Yes, it is free.  Please share that with Alexis and Lynne.  They'll probably be relieved.  I noticed Alexis slipping pieces of steak into her Birkin bag.  Ha, you're right! It probably is fake.  Good one! 

Dina, is Caroline asleep at the DC housewives' table?  Oh, yes I could see how that would make some people drowzy. Oh yes terrible spin-off.  I know, well Andy Cohen can't win 'em all. 

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!   What's wrong?!  Why is everyone screaming over here???  What happened????  Oh no!  The new Beverly Housewife Lisa VanderPump's dog killed Grandma Wrinkles??  Oh no!  Simon how many times do I have to tell you, Grandma Wrinkles is.....well was......a cat not a a rat.  Oh no.  Oh Dina, I'm so sorry.  No I think Lisa VanderPump is sorry too but again, with the Botox she has limited facial movement and apparently, she has lost the ability to produce tears. But she is blinking quite a bit though, see?   

Gretchen stop laughing!  Lisa VanderPump is her real name, yes. It's not that funny!  Alexis, stop putting food in your purse!  And Kim G enough with your haggardly lady bits! This is a luncheon!!   Fold up that stripper pole!

Kelly are you OK?  Do I see what? No I don't see any leprechauns, no.  No rainbows either. Uh, sorry no unicorns here. Are you sure you're OK?  Here have another gummy bear. 

Alex for God's sakes, Teresa is never going to be able to pronounce your children's names and neither is Danielle! Because they're from New Jersey!  They don't tawk like me and you so puh-lease....I mean tawk.....taaawwwwk......puh-lease......PUH-lease.  What's happening to me?  I suddenly sound like Danielle!  Oh God!  Talk, talk, talk. Please please please.  Oh thank God it's not permanent.

Alexis, please stop putting food in your purse! For God's sakes!  Didn't Teresa tell you, the luncheon is complimentary. That means it's free.  No, you don't have to pay for anything.  OK, seriously stop putting food in your purse.  Oh I give up.  

Oh Dina, please stop crying.  I'm sure you can find another hairless cat to love.

Aaaahhhh!!!  Kim and Danielle! Are you making out?!  That is disgusting!  This is supposed to be a nice and proper luncheon!!!  Show some respect for your......what's that?  I know you're both bi-curious now but seriously keep your knickers on!

Lynne, stop dancing, there's no music playing.   Oh Ramona please don't start yelling Turtle Time!  You'll get all the ladies riled up and I certainly don't need.......oh please not another sing-off Countess!  I beg of you, haven't we heard enough?? Oh not you too Nene.  Well, at least Kim and Danielle are too busy making out to join.......oh I spoke too soon.  This is not a sing off! This is not a competition!  It is a proper and respectable luncheon!!! 

Get off the tables everyone please!  God, Gretchen enough already!  Not everything can be that freaking funny! Seriously, shut the fuck up!  

(As I slowly sink into a heap of sobs)  Oh Andy, how do you do it????

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Comments (2)Add Comment
In tears!
written by Jennifer, October 01, 2010
This is just too funny! Thanks for such a great (and accurate I'm afraid) recap of what would happen!
written by teresa west, September 29, 2010
This is so funny,I hope all the housewives and fans have a chance to read this!! teresa

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Which celebrity couple SERIOUSLY needs to divorce?

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries - 37.5%
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher - 37.5%
Kris and Bruce Jenner - 12.5%
Bethanny Frankel and Jason Hoppy - 0%
Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross - 0%
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver - 12.5%
The voting for this poll has ended on: 16 Mar 2013 - 01:00
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